I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
