Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Is it penis luge time yet?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
