you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
