Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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