im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
