6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
