I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I wish you could order shots online.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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