I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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