She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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