Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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