You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The air taste purple.
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