She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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