I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
