dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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