Swine flu is the new snow day.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
