you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
