Cold hands, warm shart.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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