I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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