Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
