Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
