I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
