I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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