My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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