his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
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I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
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Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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