I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
apparently the secret to your success is patron
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
