I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
