On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
