I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
