Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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