Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
