Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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