i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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