At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
