When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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