Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
