Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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