drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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