i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
