so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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