Please, let me fuck your mom
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
