We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
