i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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