By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
