Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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