I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You need Xanax blowdarts
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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