So drunk its hurt
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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