Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
