She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
