Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
