hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
