oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
So many bounce houses so little time
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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