from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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