I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
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