I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
