no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
