We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
