I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
