I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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