Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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