If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
