Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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