i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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